Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
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[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.