15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
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Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins