me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
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Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.