NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
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*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Huge, if true.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
birds and squirrels envy us