Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
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After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
How funny!
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?