I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
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*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
mom gave me mine for free
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?