*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
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Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short