KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
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My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman