*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
You Might Also Like
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.