i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
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I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
🤣🤣🤣
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps