[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
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A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
#SCOTUS one-star review
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us