I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
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ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Good morning
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
when dads have a rap battle