A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
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I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband: