Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
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*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Can’t. Being lazy.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.