My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
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at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
inside you are two wolves
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Catering service