teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
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When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
japanese corn
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
she has a point
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
#ProTip
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no