Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
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yes yes a thousand times yes!
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
If I ignore life will it go away?
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee