My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
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FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
spicy snake
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
remember
only for emergencies