Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
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Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Holy crap this is wonderful
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator