Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
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Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
good work, detective
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
The Sun
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning