If you had more money you’d be happier.
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Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*