The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
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ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
worst…sale…ever
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter