I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
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my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
This week’s mood.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.