How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
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Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
constantly working on myself.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there