Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
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Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.