*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
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I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
when you are just born a rebel
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.