FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
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me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman