me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
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age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
moms in horror movies
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting