cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
You Might Also Like
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.