Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
You Might Also Like
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*