You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
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Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Childbirth is so beautiful
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating