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I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
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STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*