A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
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At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
New mindset, who dis?
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
My dog learned how to text
My whole life was a lie.