Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
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why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
i hate you platonically
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
look at me when i’m typing to you
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
I triple waxed for this?
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.