when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
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The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”