Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
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God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”