One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
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[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Need this in my life lol
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.