Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
You Might Also Like
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.