The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
You Might Also Like
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
True
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Never be a pizza!
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it