Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
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No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Just me?
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
where’s Godzilla when we need him
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.