Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
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My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*