i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
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It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
the greatest twitter interaction
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
The dark side of Canada
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening