Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
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Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was