Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
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[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Still my favourite meme.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Me when my alarm goes off
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?