wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
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Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”