Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
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At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want