My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
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[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this