People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
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My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive