An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
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Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.