NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
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Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks